


We’re both broken but when I’m with you we’re fixed

by Smugdendingle



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Bisexual Character, Callum has a lot of issues and it becomes too much, Communication, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Character, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health problems, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 02:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19781794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smugdendingle/pseuds/Smugdendingle
Summary: A few weeks have passed and Whitney has noticed a change in Callum, he is more withdrawn now to the point where it is concerning.Whitney goes to the café and talks to Ben and he goes to the apartment and finds out how much Callum has been struggling.( I’m rubbish at summary’s sorry ).





	We’re both broken but when I’m with you we’re fixed

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind for triggers. 
> 
> This idea came to me, I feel Callum does have a lot of self worth issues and I feel he would go down the roof of self harming. Considering he tried to hurt himself with a glass bottle in the park in June. 
> 
> Criticism is welcome but please stay respectful as I didn’t mean to cause harm intentionally.

Whitney sneaks up to the table nearly hesitantly where Ben is eating his breakfast. He looks at her suspiciously, frowning with the half eaten toast mid air to his mouth.

“ Ben? “

“ yeh? “

“ Can I have a word? “ Whitney says, Ben sits a bit straighter now alerted by her tense body language.

His gut feeling automatically telling him it’s about Callum.

Ben scoffs the toast in his mouth then wiping his hands looking at get. “ What’s the matter? “

Whitney sighs heavily. “ Have you noticed a change in Callum? “

Ben’s face shifts, because he has noticed a large change in Callum. He never seems in the present anymore, Callum is more withdrawn like he is hiding something. It must be terribly bad if Ben has gone past concerned.

Ben clears his throat after his few second thought. “ Yeh I have, he hasn’t been his self at all. “

Whitney’s eyes downcast.

“ I knew it wasn’t just me, Stuart has noticed also. I can’t talk to him. “

“ why? Isn’t he not letting you? “

“ It’s more him being stuck in his head or he just says everything is fine. “ Whitney explains heavily. When Ben is about to speak she adds. “ Callum hasn’t - exactly -“ she huffs in frustration, Ben let’s her take her time as this is hard for her.

“ Callum doesn’t let me touch him. “

Ben frowns. Doesn’t exactly want to hear about **his** Callum ( and yes Callum is his ) being touched by someone else.

Who isn’t **him**.

“ How do you mean? “

Whitney clears her throat now blushing from the anxiety and embarrassment. She doesn’t exactly want to tell Ben but he is the closest mate Callum has.

“ He doesn’t let me see his body. “ Whitney says, with deep concern. “ He pushes me away or shrugs me off. He has nightmares and I just - I try to talk to him about the wedding to distract him -“ Whitney huffs again, not knowing what else to say. “ I’m really worried about him. “

Ben tilts his head to the left side, nearly smirks. “ You want me to talk to him? “

“ yeh, I know you two are mates and maybe he’ll speak to you. “

“ yeh fine, do you -“

“ he’s at home. “

Ben shifts getting off the inside bench. “ you want me to go now? “

“ Yeh, it’ll be best than leaving it. “ Ben nods his head standing up stops in his tracks when Whitney grabs his wrist. “ thanks Ben. “ she smiles sincerely, he returns the smile.

Ben ends up at Callum’s apartment rather quickly. He knocks on the door multiple times before the door slowly opens, Ben is met with a tired ( not the sleep type of tired. He looks mentally drained ) looking Callum who looks more grey old looking than his original age.

“ What do you want? “ Callum bluntly asks him, blinking.

“ I want to see ya. “

Callum sighs heavily, rolling his eyes. “ I’m not in the mood for your shit Ben. “

Ben laughs surprised.“ I ain’t got any shit! I just wanna see ya! “

Callum looks dead. He starts to close the door whilst saying. “ well you’ve seen me now so -“

And now Ben is worried about Callum this is completely out of character. Even when he has pissed Callum off he still talks to him, this - this is completely withdrawing.

Ben shoves his foot in the gap of the door and pushed the door open fighting it. “ Let me in Callum I want us to have a chat. “ Ben uses his stern voice, not taking no for an answer. Callum gives up and let’s Ben in, they walk inside and Ben watches Callum get out a bottle of whiskey from the fridge.

Ben frowns at him, narrowing his eyes. “ it’s half eight in the mornin’. “

Callum gulps the icy cold amber down and pulls away letting his arm drop by his side loosely.

“ is it now. “ he dryly commented, he walks to the sofa and plonks himself down wincing slightly from the pain.

Ben sits down on the coffee table opposite Callum, his face losing its natural smirk.

“ What’s the matter?”

Callum runs his finger around the rim of the whiskey bottle blinking back tears. “ I’m fine. “

Ben could laugh. “ Yeh sure - people who are fine don’t drink out of a whisky bottle at quarter to nine do they? “ he tells him sarcastically.

“ I told you I’m not in the mood for your shit Ben. “ Callum tells him, voice dangerously calm but it also has so much sadness in there too.

“ Then tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me. “ ben’s voice as smooth as velvet.

Callum huffs. “ I’m fine! “ he lets out with a bit of a streak. Ben notices a dark patch on Callum’s black hoodie where his stomach is.

He feels his skin grow cold. Ben remembers Callum trying to hurt himself in the park back in June, that has always been in his mind.

Ben will always worry if Callum is still hurting himself. 

Ben nods, with his head, to the wet patch feeling himself became angry. “ What’s that? “

Callum frowns, looks down and looks flustered like he has been caught out. “ N-nothing. “ he stands up quickly needing to get away from Ben, feeling the walls close in on him. He moves to the kitchen trying to get the distance. But Ben just follows becoming more anxious and angry.

“ you’ve been hurtin’ ya self again haven’t you? “ Ben assumes, angry, frustrated. “ Why couldn’t you talk to me? “ he adds, hurt, confused- feelings of stinging to his heart.

It feels like Paul all over again, him getting hurt and Ben can’t do anything about it.

“ No I haven’t. “ Callum lies, even he can hear the shakes in his own voice. Callum turns away from Ben, his back facing him and flinches when he feels a hand on his upper back.

Hates how he feels all types of feelings. The butterflies return back in his stomach and he hates himself all over again.

Ben doesn’t care that his eyes are becoming red with tears slowly dropping from his eyes. 

“ please talk to me, Cal. “

“ I can’t. “ Callum whispers, feels himself falling apart and all it took was Ben touching his back. Why does Ben have this effect on him?

“ You can tell me anything. I understand it, I understand about battling with your sexuality. “

Callum shakes his head, the lump in his throat worsening becoming more uneasy with the battle to sob. “ it - it isn’t just that. “ he chokes out, feeling even more pathetic.

Ben’s eyes soften, wanting Callum to take his time considering they are getting somewhere. He selfishly likes how Callum is nearly unbolting up and it isn’t Whitney who Callum is talking too.

“ what is it then? “

Callum takes a shuddering breath. “ it’s everything. “

Ben stays patient trying not to push him, but this - this isn’t exactly his strongest point.

“ me. You. Whitney. Dad. The Army. Sexuality. Stuart. The affair. “ Callum lists off heavily, Ben hears the slightly bitterness in his words. He looks down for a nanosecond feeling guilty, Ben hates how this is happening to Callum. All these things and it feels like Ben has put them there.

But then if Ben wasn’t there he would have never fallen in love with Callum.

Ben rubs Callum’s back up and down calmly, his hand firm whilst soft and it makes Callum feel so loved.

“ is that why you’ve been hurting yourself? “ Ben says quietly, his own voice doesn’t sound like his own.

Callum glances at bens face, he hates how he is softly crying. He always gets things wrong doesn’t he? Why can’t he just be normal.

“ Y-Yeh. “ Callum confesses, one last knock to his dignity crumbled to the ground like stack of wooden bricks.

Ben bites down the overwhelming rawness of sorrow. “ How long -“

“ a few weeks. “ Callum interrupts him tiredly. “ It helps to keep things quiet. “

“ You should have talked to me.”

“ I felt like I couldn’t. Why would you want to listen to me? I’m nothing. “

Ben turns Callum around facing him, he can see the fire in ben’s eyes as he stares into his blue ones. Ben pushes his right leg into the V of Callum’s legs and places both of his hands onto Callum’s love handles.

“ You are not nothing, you are everything. You are so important. “

Callum’s cries softly. “ no I’m not.

Ben wipes away the crystal tears, feels his own heart beat slow down feeling Callum’s pain.

It’s like some sort of connection between them.

“ I love you, you, and Lexi, main the whole world to me. You are my Callum and I can’t see you suffer anymore. “ Ben pleads, feels himself became distressed. Callum sees through his blurry vision and strokes ben’s scruffy jaw soothingly.

He’s broken. Ben’s damaged.

But both fit together like a puzzle.

“ I’m sorry. “ Callum admits, the crushing sensation making it harder to breathe.

“ just talk to me. That’s all I want, I want you to relay on me. “

Callum sniffles, looks down at their legs and hips touching and feels that love again, the desire and want. Even now, even when Callum feels at his lowest he still wants Ben to wrap him up and protect him. To tell him everything will be alright even when it won’t be.

“ I hate how i love you so much. “ Callum’s says eventually, no heat behind his words but there is this unspoken emotion he can’t place. “ you’re all I can think about, all I want. I hate how I’m betraying dad, Whitney, the army - everything just piled up and I felt trapped. I just wanted everything to go away. “

Ben waits for Callum to continue, only he doesn’t.

“ That’s why you hurt yourself? “ Ben says, needing to confirm it or he’ll go mad.

Callum nods his head slowly, he lays his hand flat on ben’s torso feeling the heart beat away.

Somedays Callum barely feels his heart function, it’s like he is dead inside. But when he sees Ben - he ‘comes back to life’.

“ I’m so weak. I was meant to be strong, I went to the army to show how tough I am, to show dad I am the man he wants me to be. But I’m so weak. “

Ben holds Calum’s jaw tighter, more passionately and he looks so angry. “ Your Dad is a prick. He don’t care ‘bout you Cal, you need to realise that. He’s just a bloke who got your mum pregnant. “ Ben bluntly says, his eyes narrowing with fire in his eyes. “ You are strong, you went to the army! You survived. “

“ But I’m not am I? “ Callum repeats, eyebrows burrowing.

“ I hurt myself, I am damaged. “

“ It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you are still here. With me. “

“ I hate feeling like this. “ Callum whimpers, Ben pulls Callum into a hug and rests his head on top of Callum’s head. Callum softly cries into ben’s chest, clutching the fabric between his fingers.

“ I’ll help you. I’ll help you and I’ll never leave ya. I don’t want to watch you suffer anymore. I hate seeing you like this. “ Ben whispers, the crystal tears dropping into Callum’s hair.

“ I love you Ben. “ Callum admits quietly.

“ I love you too. “ Ben repeats, mains it. “ I love you too much to watch you sink further down. “

“ I need to tell Whitney don’t I? “ Callum says, finally accepts it.

“ I don’t want you to push yourself. “

Callum pulls away, looks at Ben feeling smaller considering he is a few inches taller than Ben.

“ you’re all I need, I love Whitney but, with you it’s - it’s more. You’re it for me. “

Ben watery smiles, a new sense of pride washing over him.

“ I’m proud of you. “

And that’s all Calum needs to hear.


End file.
